For Those Who Feel Inadequate
This is an updated version of one of Audrey’s most-read Christmas posts.
For those who feel inadequate, you’ve got a friend in Mary.
One Christmas in a land far from home, I was expecting our third child and my sense of smell was working overtime. Nauseated and homesick, my attitude was anything but joyful.
I was pretty sure I was inadequate for the tasks in front of me and a sick pregnancy was not helping me feel courageous or motivated.
Bundling up, I sought solace and fresh air outdoors where I could ruminate alone with my thoughts. The small dirt path behind our bungalow wound up and over a hill, inviting me to explore. I climbed slowly, avoiding the mud. Rounding a bend, I came upon a rudimentary stable where a despondent donkey and two wooly sheep huddled inside. They looked even more miserable than me.
The dirty, smelly stable jolted me out of my gloomy reverie and turned my thoughts toward Mary, another pregnant woman who might on that first Christmas have been feeling just as I was at that moment: inadequate and nauseous.
Later that evening, I penned the following in my journal.
We are spending these few days before Christmas in a small native village in the mountains. Sheep are baaing, dogs barking, chickens clucking and donkeys braying. Horses neigh down the road and country girls carry bread to the outdoor ovens for baking. Things are generally dirty in the way things are in the country where pavement is unnecessary. I passed the stables on my walk today. They were damp, dirty, and foul-smelling. I bundled in a scarf, a coat, a hat and gloves, and I was still cold.
The thought of going there into that stable at night, with no one preparing it for me, at least cleaning it up a bit, and lying down to give birth to my first baby just made me cringe inside. This is reality! I thought to myself. Bethlehem wasn’t warm and clean and neat 2000 years ago! Stables were stinking and dark. It was cold too! And it could very well have been damp. And there were fleas, and what other manner of vermin in such a place? (I saw a rat the size of a small cat run out of the stable just now!) Did Mary cringe inside, or was she the angelic, virginal picture of acceptance depicted in all the Renaissance paintings? Did God choose her because He knew she would not complain? Or did He choose someone with all the works… someone who felt everything fully and still obeyed?
Painting her into an image of submission and purity takes her somehow out of the realm of reality for me. It makes her unattainable, unreachable, unable to encourage a woman like me. It makes her deity-like. I think she birthed Deity but was human. I think she noticed the smell of the stables and the prick of the hay on her backside as she labored to deliver her baby. And I think fear was real in her throat. But she looked up, and so can I.
Being a woman is a tough job. My questions that afternoon drove me to look deeper into Mary’s Christmas story in Luke. There I found a Mary I had not known before, a real Mary that this real woman could relate to. And she taught me a few things that made the smelly stable of my inadequacy more bearable.
It’s Normal to be Troubled and Ask Questions
Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you!
Luke 1:28
This grandiose angelic greeting did not cause Mary to smile smugly and say, “Yep, that’s me. Awesome. Empowered. Overcomer. World Changer.”
Instead, Mary freaked out a little. At least on the inside.
Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be (v. 29).
Here we see our first clue to Mary’s humanity: she was troubled and questioning, even when on the verge of her greatest life accomplishment.
I am so glad God included this tidbit of insight into Mary’s normalcy. Doing big things takes courage, and in my experience, God chooses smallness to accomplish greatness. It is normal to feel inadequate and small in the face of our great God asking us to do things beyond our strength and ability.
It’s Okay to Need More Details
Mary’s next question makes me laugh out loud. I am a detail junkie. Her question came after the angel told her the Big Task God was calling her to do.
Note He did not say, “Would you like to do it?” Rather, He said, “You will be with child and give birth to a son…you are going to give him the name Jesus.”
In my daughter’s grammar book, we call this a declarative sentence. Not a question.
“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?” (v. 34)
(Real Woman’s) Translation: From what I know to be true about myself, what You just asked me is impossible. I need more details.
I think the most important things in my life God has asked me to do have looked impossible at first glance. Impossible because of what I know about myself.
Paul stated it perfectly:
… think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are.
1 Corinthians 1:26-28
Yep, it looks like God is in the business of taking impossibilities and making them possible, of taking the things that are not to create what really is.
A child found in the bottom of a latrine in East Africa is rescued by missionaries and later becomes a preacher to his tribe. A woman trafficked across the United States for sex becomes a baptized believer and is given a safe home in which to live. A widow devastated by the death of her husband is given new life and new love in a godly man who accepts her, scars and all.
This is grace, and it is okay to ask God for the details to help us build up the courage to step out and trust his Impossible Plan.
Yielding to God’s Plan Leads to Peace
The Lord graciously and willingly gave Mary the details she requested. He knew the quiet unspoken thought of her heart as she listened: this is impossible. But God…?
His final statement to her settled the matter.
For nothing is impossible with God (v. 37).
Hearing this, Mary’s heart was convinced. Convinced that no matter how crazy and never-happened-ever-before-in-history the plan sounded, its Source could be trusted. And she yielded.
I am the Lord’s servant. May it be to me as you have said (v. 38).
The peace of Christmas began right there.
Yielding to God’s plan for our lives is the Place of Peace we all long for. We can trust that even if the plan seems impossible, He is able. After all, He declares it. Not a question. He knows the plans He has for you and me (see Jeremiah 29:11).
It has been a long time since my stroll past the smelly stable. But the thoughts I had that Christmas have stayed with me through the seasons of real life since and the real challenges it brings. I am grateful for Mary and the honest questions she asked the Lord at the beginning of all we call Christmas. She reminds us to be honest with our troubled thoughts, to ask for the details, and to yield our hearts to His plan for us. We know the rest of her story, and it truly changed the world.
Lord, I want to change the world too. May it be to me as you have said. Amen.
Photo by Gareth Harper on Unsplash
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