Scripture Basher

Then Job answered and said, “I have heard many such things; miserable comforters are you all.”

Job 16:1-2

In your desire to comfort the broken-hearted, beware of becoming a Scripture basher.

I sat rigid on the couch as my friend scolded me.

“You’ve got to have faith. After all, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. God rewards the faithful. Without faith, we can’t please God.”

Rushing to the bathroom, I lost my breakfast. 

Pregnancy hormones still raged through my body, betraying me, as if they did not yet realize I no longer carried a little life inside. My still-swollen stomach now drooped in grief. I’d thought we were past the danger zone. Almost four months. 

Now I went through the motions of being alive, my womb empty of life. I could not be comforted. I did not want to be comforted.

Returning to the living room, I sat again with my friend.

She was and is a friend. A true friend. A woman of tremendous devotion and faith. Yet her words that day were like daggers to my already-devastated heart. They were not helpful. The Scriptures she cited were true but held no comfort for my hemorrhaging heart that dark day.

What is it about our human hearts that, at times of acute grief and loss, Scripture quoted by well-meaning people makes us wince in more pain?

I think it lies in the raw truth in which the wounded are forced to live. Suffering and loss strip us of all pretense; we are disallowed from lying about how much it hurts, how confusing life is, how unjust this world is. How confusing it is that a good God allows pain. What love is this that permits suffering?

We stand at more than a crossroads; it really isn’t a crossroads at all. We aren’t necessarily faced with the decision of which way to go… we are immobilized in the place we have chosen to go. We have chosen the One who is the Way. We who follow Jesus stand paralyzed in His presence. The Way of faith, the Word of faith is no longer external, outside of us like a destination or a discipline.

We are standing in the Way with the Word Himself. And without Him, we have no idea how to proceed through life-shattering pain.

It is a sacred space.

I think this makes the external offensive. Unholy somehow. Like cellphones ringing during a symphony. Like loud critics on the row behind you during a ballet. Like mockers laughing during a funeral.

I find that the ones who understand this are the ones who have walked this Way before.

It is not natural to understand it. The unnatural nature of suffering makes it known.

For the comforter, it is extremely uncomfortable to stand or sit in silence with one who is immobilized with pain. It feels better to speak, to remind of truth, to examine, analyze, problem-solve.

But as C.S. Lewis said, we have this Problem of Pain.

It cannot be solved by human reasoning.

Scripture bashers beware: the very truth you know, and your suffering friend also knows, can be used as a weapon to further wound.

Instead of speaking, count to ten. Write the burning word down. Wait for the One who is the Way, the One your friend stands in indescribable pain beside, to tell you when and if the time is right to quietly slip that word to him or her. If it is even right at all.

My friends from honor-shame cultures lament (in the rare occasion they are permitted to speak of it) being silenced or shut-down during times of acute grief. 

Be quiet. Don’t cry.

It was meant to be.

It was written by God (it was God’s will.)

Quoting Scripture without discernment can have the same effect: 

Be quiet, get over it, snap out of it. 

Such “help” invalidates the excruciating experience of loss. 

Let us not shut down the hurting heart. It needs to remain open, to wail, to mourn, to weep. And one day, when the broken heart has emptied itself, there will be room for words. #trauma #healing #mentalhealth #comfort Share on X

Talk to Jesus for your loved one. Tell Him all you see, all you worry over, all you are helpless to help. Give Jesus the panic you feel in the presence of her pain. He is with her. She is not alone. He can handle all her feelings, her questions. And yours.

Let’s not be Scripture bashers. Count to ten… write it down. Save the word of truth you have for later when the heart can hear you. 

For now, sit awhile in silence with the traumatized. Your presence may be the truth she needs for the moment.

Lord, I love Your Word. Help me wield it with discernment, especially among the wounded. Amen.

@audreycfrank

If you are interested in learning how to help those with heart wounds, visit www.thetraumahealinginstitute.org